The GOP’s 2012 Primary Race is a Cartoon Circus

“Oh Craig Holland Dixon… why is it that we cannot have nice things?”

Well, it’s quite simple my dear friends.

Newt Gingrich is now leading the pack. I thought he was supposed to stay sealed away in the 90s for all eternity like those bad guys in “Superman II”. What happened?

Well, it appears someone let Newt out of the Phantom Zone. Additionally, it appears that voters of the Republican base forgot about all the lobbying and lying Mr. Gingrich is known for.

In case anyone forgot, this is the same asshole that refers to himself as a ‘historian’ for taking a bunch of tax-payer money via Freddie Mac. Echoing what Conor Friedersdorf over at The Atlantic has said, if this guy gets the GOP nod, that’s lights out for the Tea Party. Done. Curtains. Thanks for playing.

[Gingrich] is the epitome of the Inside the Beltway insider, and not only because of his long stint in Congress. After retiring, he profited lavishly off connections he made on the taxpayer dime, earning hundreds of thousands of dollars influence-pedaling. Most famously, he got $1.6 million from Freddie Mac, the very entity that many conservatives regard as most culpable for the financial crisis. And then he had the temerity to insist that he was paid as “a historian,” an explanation so transparently farcical that it can justifiably be seen as an insult to the intelligence of GOP primary voters.

As if supporting such a man weren’t incoherent enough already, a movement that valorizes Joe the Plumber, family values and hockey moms is now rallying behind a long-winded former academic turned career politician with an affinity for private planes, chauffeurs, and buying Tiffany and Co. jewelry for his third wife. It’s as if Kanye West wrote a politician into his last album.

And yet here he is at the top of the GOP dog RINO pile.

So, remembering your classical education in public school, I’d like you to recall Juvenal who once said (to paraphrase) that deteriorating empires eventually come to be defined by bread and circuses. Just kidding, I know public school wouldn’t ever teach anything of substance like that.

But, if it be so, the GOP primary race has the circus on lock, even without Gingrich.

On Friday, Herman Cain suspended his campaign for presidency, amid allegations of a 13-year-affair. Or as The Onion put it, ‎”Rumors of Extramarital Affair End Campaign of Presidential Candidate Who Didn’t Know China Has Nuclear Weapons.” It appears even The Onion can no longer compete with the comedy of the actual campaigns of this election cycle; they’re just running with the raw material.

Perhaps there’s another reason Cain is backing out. Maybe he ran out of quotes from Pokémon: The Movie.” Cain has admitted to using a quotation from the animated children’s film at least four times during his campaign.

 Gary Johnson will continue to get nary a mention, and seems to want to marginalize himself further by talking to the libertarian party.

 Donald Trump is moderating a gameshow GOP debate which Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul have refused to attend, prompting the following response from Donald Trump’s hair:

Few people take Ron Paul seriously and many of his views and presentation make him a clown-like candidate… I am glad he and Jon Huntsman, who has inconsequential poll numbers or a chance of winning, will not be attending the debate and wasting the time of the viewers who are trying very hard to make a very important decision…”

“Clown-like.” I’d like to reiterate that Herman Cain, former front-runner, was peppering his campaign rhetoric with lines from an animated feature based on a children’s video-game. He also didn’t appear to know China had nuclear weapons. Or what was going on in Libya.  Or that there was about to be an economic catastrophe in Fall of 2008. Clown-like Ron Paul knew, how about that!

Rick Perry did this. Michelle Bachmann’s clinic claims to ‘pray the gay away.

But a Reality Television star with a dead animal atop his skull is calling Ron Paul the clown-candidate.

Perhaps worst of all, Rick Santorum is still Rick Santorum, and that’s basically bad enough on its own.

This is the state of the GOP. A RINO-filled circus, with snake oil salesmen like Trump to provide the sideshow… but the elephants are hard to come by. Come one, come all, to the greatest show on Earth!


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