1,000 micro-tyrannies: Local governments

With each passing day of Obama’s McJob Recovery, the foul stench of government desperation is creeping further into the nostrils of everyone stuck under its Made-in-China boot. And it’s not just the federal government that’s getting pushy. More and more, where a local government can impede commerce and make money for itself… it will. Eventually though, it gets discontent with its already-outrageous level of avarice, so it will pass new laws, or spend even-more tax payer dollars on new measures that will allow it to crack the whip a little harder.

DC Metro Police: To harass and fine

DC Metro Police: To harass and fine

Let’s take a tour around the country shall we? (we can’t use a pedicab though, that’s illegal, more on that in a minute)…

Down in the sunshine state, home of the hanging chad, Florida bureaucrats at the Department of “Highway Safety” and Motor Vehicles are making a few quick extra bucks. It’s actually making around 63 million quick bucks. No, not by speed traps, those are a given, but by selling out the personal information of their citizen-subjects to private firms. Whether you like it or not, Lexus Nexus and Shadow Soft are now in possession of your personal information, Floridians. The state has sold your full legal name, current address, date of birth, and a list of registered vehicles, and all without your consent. Not like they have to worry about reprecussions for bad service or anything, that’d be capitalism… government just goes the monopoly route. Maybe though, if we’re lucky, the USPS will go under before the DMV slips out addresses out to the spam mailers. Yeah, probably not.

The DMV in Massachusetts are up to their own tricks. They’re not selling information yet (that we know of) but they’re at least they’re starting to put everything in a database! Building lists is the first key to exploiting people afterall (See, I know this because I’ve worked in politics). The so-called Automatic License Plate Recognition device will be implemented among state police as well as 26 local departments to scan thousands of license plates per hour, detailing the location of each driver, their criminal record, warrants, traffic history, and parking violations. All of this will be in a database accessible to Feds, state police, local police, and prosecutors. Most likely it means the blue-shirted bridge trolls are going to be pulling more and more people over for petty code violations and creating new traffic jams.

In Pittsburgh, the police are now openly setting quotas, requiring each officer to make at least 10 traffic stops per month… quotas are nothing new, but it’s nice they’re at least admitting to setting profit metrics now.

Speaking of petty fines there’s an alarming threat emerging near the heart of our Nation’s capitol. Pedicabs. You know, they may just seem like poor underpaid college kids who pull people around on bikes in 103 degree weather. They may seem like they are providing a service to tourists… but that isn’t the case. What they’re actually doing is far more nefarious. What they’re doing? It’s illegal.

Bill Line, spokesman for the National Parks Service made it very clear that nefarious acts of capitalism are not acceptable in the American Capitol.

“The pedicabs are obviously doing much more than driving a bike,… the pedicabs are obviously out at the National Mall to make cold hard American cash.”

Unacceptable. Maybe if they were being paid in Carbon Credits it’d be more legit in the eyes of the state. Further highlighting the micro-protectionist policies of governments everywhere, he went on to say that Pedicabs weren’t allowed to enter the market because the government made a contract with a Tour Bus agency, Tourmobile… and we wouldn’t want to actually see competition afterall, that’d be Unamerican.

Welcome to DC!

Welcome to DC!

It goes without saying that the city of Washington D.C. is an exemplary model of American fascism. What will it be today? A boot on your car? A body slam into concrete for dancing? No wait, you just drank a bottle of water on the metro didn’t you? That’s gonna be a fine citizen. Oh the heat index is 116? I don’t care. Pay the fine criminal. I’d recommend you go find a tall glass of ice cold lemonade, but I just shut down their stand, so you’ll have to go buy one from one of our state-funded museums. Bottom line, if local and state governments around the country want to really make a killing (double meaning), they need to step their game up… do like the Romans do… copy the District of Control’s level of dedication. You’ll be raking in the big bucks!

I’ve asked it before but I’ll ask it again, what do these people actually produce? If government is going to create jobs, it might as well put people into jobs where actual products or services are being offered.

To the DC Parking enforcement office: Sitting at a desk, stuffing your lipid-covered, carb-filled ass with Cheetos, while you process my parking tickets is NOT a service, and I am not your customer. If you are forcing me to cough up hundreds of dollars under the threat of legal or physical force, I am your victim. So if nothing else, please fix the language on your website to more accurately reflect your celebration of fascism.

Now, you’ll all have to excuse me. I have to make my way over to Q street, my car is 15 minutes over its arbitrarily determined 2-hour parking limit. I wouldn’t want to have to skip groceries this week.

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