A great, big W.T.F. shook the ground here in the imperial city earlier this afternoon… and if you’re wondering, no it wasn’t our economy crashing to the ground (that’s still on the way!), it was an earthquake! Obama remains in the comfort of Martha’s Vineyard, but he’s quickly working on devising a way to blame the quake on the TEA Party. The U.S. Geological survey reports that the quake was more than 3 miles deep underground, and struck in central Virginia, near Mineral City. The quake rumbled up and down the east coast, reportedly felt as far as New York City northward, and North Carolina to the south.

While the area where the quake originated has been known for seismic activity in the past, this is considered unusually strong. So here’s what happened… Obama and the jackasses were pushing for a 3.4 on the Richter scale and the RINOs were pushing for a 3.6… so they compromised and gave us the 5.8. But this just highlights Washington’s inability to do anything right. If we had Ron Paul in office since ‘08, none of this would have ever even happened. A few dirty glances from his VP Chuck Norris, and those cowardly tectonic plates wouldn’t even THINK about budging.

Not to worry though, there’s already speculation that congress is going to act as soon as possible to declare Earthquakes an act of terror, and outlaw them entirely. Good to know they can put a stop to that menace with their magic powers of arbitrary legislation! If THAT doesn’t work, GOP Presidential candidate Rick Perry is vowing to pray the quakes away if elected president. Perhaps Perry is right, there’s a good chance this was a warning from God to quit being such socialists.

Either way, Washington was in straight-up panic mode afterward. Images of 911 poured into the minds of overpaid government-workers the district over, as they scurried about the tax-payer-bought marble floors. Quickly and like cock-roaches, they scattered to their cars, and immediately began to create traffic jams (something they’re good at since it involves creating an inconvenience).

All-in-all the events of today serve as a good preview to what things are going to look like during the zombie apocalypse, though one could argue D.C. looks like the zombie apocalypse on any normal day… so this is what it would look like with velociraptor zombies.

Now I can tell you, living in DC, that an earthquake isn’t the first thought on your mind when your house starts shaking. You either assume it’s an armored Police tank rolling-up to shutdown a lemonade stand, or someone has finally had it and pushed all the red buttons. You don’t think ‘Oh, it’s an earthquake’ you think ‘OH CRAP BIG ASS BOMB’… Luckily though, we’re all still here sans radiation and mushroom clouds… for now. But, give the neocons more time to create the appropriate amount of aftershock…I mean blowback from our interventions overseas.

Okay… look, I’m sorry about all these bad earthquake jokes, I really am. It’s just that I’m a bit shaken up. It gives me tremors just thinking about it.

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